Alex J Cavanaugh. Thank you Alex, you're awesome!
Firstly, I'd just like to say congrats to everyone who completed the A-Z Challenge, and well done to everyone who participated and followed along.
Is it a little stoopid that I was a little insecure about signing up for this group? I don't like 'talking' about certain things, but I'm told it's good for you, and I have noticed that writing things down can help unravel your thoughts and solve problems on the page. It's an acceptable form of talking to yourself - it's justified madness!
The thing I'm most insecure about at the moment are my boobs. Haha just kidding! I'm worried about my ability to learn, especially now as I'm learning to write. Over the years I've tried to study various things, but my health has always gotten in the way. I didn't see this as the reason at the time, and for years felt it was my fault; I thought that maybe I was an idiot, someone who couldn't stick at something and learn, even though I enjoyed it.
But the past couple of years I've been getting help - took me a while to admit I needed it - and a few people, who I'm eternally grateful to, have made me see that these setbacks were not my fault, as nothing I could have done would have prevented them. I tried my best and that's good enough.
It all started when I left school, aged eighteen, with only one Higher - in Art if you can believe it - see I can draw haha! During my fifth and sixth year I was living on my own, but struggling to get to school because of the severe pain I was in. I remember I had the lowest attendance record in the entire school - literally, and people though this was cool. Dumbasses! So, I went to my guidance teacher for help, and you know what he said; something along the lines of 'because you live on your own, you are your own guardian, meaning you alone are responsible for getting yourself to school, therefore I cannot help you'. At the time I thought nothing of it, but now when I look back on it, it pisses me off a little. If a seventeen year old kid, living on their own, came to me asking for help because their health was preventing them from getting to school, then I'd do everything I could to help. It;s just comment sense right? Anyway, I'm not blaming my teacher, I'm just a little annoyed, and rightly so I think!
When I left school I was going to do Art - seriously guys I can draw! During the summer holidays I ended up in hospital, and while I was getting an operation, the numpty Doctor punctured my lung. he told me this was very rare - I don't believe him. His sidekick was pretty hot though, so I let him off! This happened a few days before college started, and I was told I couldn't go - I would need to rest for three months, meaning I would have to start next year instead. Well,I wasn't having that now was I - me not study, yeah right! So a few days after I got out of the hospitals I went to college, and you'll never guess - not only were the elevators down, but my class was on the top floor, I kid you not! It's the kind of thing that happens in movies eh? My teacher knew who I was as soon as I got to the classroom, apparently I looked like I shouldn't be there; zombified! She took one look at me and sent me home! So yeah, that is my fault a little bit, but at least I tried right.
A few years later, I decided it was time to go back to college, but this time I was going to do nursing - art is a hobby, I never wanted to make a career out of it, but I love helping people and looking after loved ones when they are sick, who doesn't? I was doing great; I was one of the top students in my class, my teacher would even tell the class to come find me if they were stuck with something and couldn't find her. How cool is that? Totally embarrassing at the time though! But near the end of my first year, my health started playing up again. It meant I was physically unable to do the last placement, and without that placement you can't complete your first year. So I made the decision to leave, and had a good long think about what I could do.
Obviously going to college was a bit of a pain in the butt, so I am now studying with The Open University. I love it! Not only are they helpful and understanding, but I get to study my way, when I want. I don't feel bad about the setbacks of the past, because if they hadn't happened I wouldn't be doing this; so I'm grateful for them - I always think good can come out of any bad situation.
So what's this got to do with being an insecure write you ask? I know, I've been a rambling on eh! Well, I've just started on my writing journey; I finished my first short course with the Open Uni last week, and can't wait to get started on the more in depth one. Seriously so excited - I'm thinking of taking a year out from my degree to do it. But I cant help thinking, what if? I hate those two words! I've finally found something I really enjoy and can do in my own time, but I've convinced myself it will happen again; some stoopid health problem will get in the way and I will never learn to write.
Ah see, this writing your thoughts out gibberish does work - now I've said it/written it down, I'm thinking to myself 'you dumbass of coarse you can do it'! Yeah, I love writing!
I've also just realised how long this post is, wow, sorry, didn't realise I could write so much crap in twenty minutes! :P
Do you like to study, or do you run at the sight of a textbook?
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